1 2 24 0 0 0 Which of my hobbies or interests disturbs you? Why? 1 2 24 0 0 0 Why do you feel that I engage in these activities? 1 2 58 0 0 0 Why do you feel that I don't have enough hobbies or interests? What is the underlying issue for you? x 1 2 24 0 0 0 I am sometimes disturbed by your interest in... because I feel... 1 2 24 0 0 0 I feel that you engage in these activities because... 1 2 58 0 0 0 I feel that you don't have enough hobbies or interests because... The underlying issue for me is... x 1 7 24 0 0 0 Are either of our hobbies or interests a problem? If yes: How can we reach a mutually acceptable compromise? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What are 5 leisure activities that we enjoy doing together? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Take a moment each to tell your partner about some interests, hobbies or talents which he/she may be unaware of. 9 1 2 5 126 0 0 Why do you feel that we don't spend enough time together? 1 2 5 126 0 0 How have you shared these concerns with me? Do you blame me? 1 2 5 126 0 0 What are you afraid will happen if we don't spend more time together? x 1 2 5 126 0 0 I feel that we don't spend enough time together because... I (sometimes/rarely) blame you because I feel... 1 2 5 126 0 0 If we don't spend more time together I am afraid that... x 1 1 0 0 0 0 Ideally, how much time should we spend together? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Can we accept each other's needs to spend time alone or with friends? If not: What are we afraid of? 1 7 2 0 0 0 Does either of us sometimes feel that we need more time apart? If yes: is there an underlying concern? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How could we make better use of our time together? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Do we spend too much time watching TV? 9 1 2 171 0 0 0 Why do you feel that you enjoy yourself less now than in the past? x 1 2 171 0 0 0 I feel that I enjoy myself less now than in the past because... x 1 1 0 0 0 0 How could we create more fun and enjoyment in our relationship? Be specific. 9 x x 1 7 6 27 29 218 Why is that we have not discussed or agreed on various financial issues? 5 1 0 0 0 0 Who is responsible for paying our bills? Who writes the checks? 4 1 0 0 0 0 Who will be responsible for paying our bills? Who will write the checks? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Are we both happy with this arrangement? If not: Why not? 5 1 0 0 0 0 Are we both satisfied with our arrangements as far as individual and/or joint checking and savings accounts? If not: Why not? What do we need to discuss? 4 1 0 0 0 0 How we will handle our checking and savings accounts? Will they be individual or joint? 5 1 0 0 0 0 Are we both satisfied with the way we make decisions about how to spend our money? Is there anything we need to discuss further? 4 1 0 0 0 0 Have we adequately discussed how we will make decisions about how to spend our money? What do we need to discuss further? 5 1 0 0 0 0 Do we have a clear idea of what our monthly income and expenses are? If not: Why not? 4 1 0 0 0 0 Do we have a clear idea of what our monthly income and expenses will be? If not: Why not? 5 1 0 0 0 0 Who is responsible for providing our income as a couple? Are we both completely happy with this arrangement? Why or why not? 4 1 0 0 0 0 Who will be responsible for providing our income as a couple? Are we both completely happy with this arrangement? Why or why not? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Is there anything else we need to discuss regarding how to handle our income and expenses? What? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How might we improve our handling of income and expenses? 9 1 2 60 0 0 0 Why haven't you discussed all of your debts with me? What are your fears? 1 2 80 0 0 0 Which of our debts cause you concern and why? 1 2 172 0 0 0 In what specific way do you feel that financial obligations from my prior relationship(s) might cause problems? 1 2 172 0 0 0 How can you help to minimize any such problems? 1 2 172 0 0 0 Could you live with these problems if they remain unresolved? x 1 2 60 0 0 0 I haven't discussed all of my debts with you because... What I am afraid of is... 1 2 80 0 0 0 The debts which concern me are... 1 2 172 0 0 0 I sometimes worry that financial obligations from your prior relationship(s) might cause difficulties because... 1 2 172 0 0 0 I can assist with these potential difficulties by... 1 2 172 0 0 0 If these problems remain unresolved... x 1 7 80 60 0 0 What are some specific steps we can take regarding our debts? 5 1 0 0 0 0 Do we have problems using credit as a couple? If yes: Why is that? 4 1 0 0 0 0 Do you feel that we will have problems using credit as a couple? If yes: Why is that? 4 1 0 0 0 0 What specific assets and debts are we each bringing to our relationship? Include cars, property, furniture, mortgages, any loans, credit card debts, and etc. 4 1 0 0 0 0 How will these assets and/or debts be shared? 4 1 0 0 0 0 Are you completely happy with these arrangements? If not: Why not? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Have we ever discussed what would happen to our assets and debts and how alimony would be handled if we split up and/or divorced? If not: What would happen? 9 1 2 198 0 0 0 What do you consider to be some foolish ways that I spend money? 1 2 198 0 0 0 Are my spending habits a major concern for you? If yes: Can you live with them? 1 2 198 0 0 0 What are some foolish ways you spend money? x 1 2 198 0 0 0 I feel that you spend money foolishly by... 1 2 198 0 0 0 I sometimes spend money foolishly by... x 1 1 0 0 0 0 In what ways do our attitudes towards money differ? Why is that? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What were our parents' attitudes towards money? How did they influence us? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What are some of our conscious or subconscious beliefs about money? For example: Is money the root of all evil? 1 1 0 0 0 0 In what ways might our beliefs about money block us from attaining our goals? 9 1 2 113 0 0 0 What leads you to believe that I worry too much about money? 1 2 113 0 0 0 Are my worries justified by the facts? Be specific. 1 2 46 0 0 0 Why do you feel that you have difficulties trusting me with money? 1 2 46 0 0 0 How well do you trust other people in general? Why? 1 2 46 0 0 0 Have you had similar trust issues in past relationships? Is there a pattern? x 1 2 113 0 0 0 I feel that you sometimes worry too much about money because... 1 2 113 0 0 0 I feel that your worries (are/are not) justified by the facts because... 1 2 46 0 0 0 I feel that I sometimes have difficulties trusting you with money because I feel... 1 2 46 0 0 0 I (usually/sometimes/rarely) trust people in general because... For example... 1 2 46 0 0 0 In past relationships I (have/have not) had similar trust issues. For example... (Is there a pattern?) x 1 1 0 0 0 0 Do we sometimes blame each other for financial difficulties? How could we each be more responsible? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How could we improve our handling of issues relating to money? 1 4 46 0 0 0 Do we ever have any difficulties trusting each other with money? If yes: Why? 9 1 2 110 0 0 0 What leads you to believe that you do not often achieve your goals? 1 2 110 0 0 0 Do you hold yourself back? How? Why? 1 2 110 0 0 0 Do you sometimes have low self-esteem? When? 1 2 189 0 0 0 What leads you to believe that I often do not achieve my goals? 1 2 189 0 0 0 How do you think I feel about this subject? x 1 2 110 0 0 0 I feel that I often do not achieve my goals because... 1 2 110 0 0 0 I hold myself back by... (Be specific) 1 2 110 0 0 0 I sometimes have low self-esteem when... 1 2 189 0 0 0 I feel that you do not often achieve your goals because... 1 2 189 0 0 0 I think that your feelings about this are... x 1 1 0 0 0 0 Do we save enough money? If not: Why is that? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What are some of the goals and ambitions we share? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What are some of the goals and ambitions we don't share? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Are any of our important goals and ambitions incompatible? Are we sure? How could our "incompatible" goals all be realized? Be creative! 1 1 0 0 0 0 Name at least 5 of each other's most important accomplishments. 1 1 0 0 0 0 Do we agree on which accomplishments are our most important? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What do we each really want out of life? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What are each of our 10 year goals for income, housing, savings, investments, cars, travel, and etc.? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How well do our goals match? Where do they differ? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Have we adequately discussed how we will both attain our long-term goals as individuals and as a couple? What do we need to discuss? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How can we better assist each other in attaining our long-term goals? 9 1 2 162 0 0 0 Why do you feel that we sometimes have problems deciding on who should do which household chores? What do we need to discuss further? x 1 2 162 0 0 0 I feel that we sometimes have problems deciding on who should do which household chores because... What we need to discuss further is... x 5 1 0 0 0 0 What are each of our major household responsibilities? 4 1 0 0 0 0 What will be our major household responsibilities? 1 1 0 0 0 0 If necessary, are we willing to compromise in any and all of the above areas? Are there some non-negotiables? If yes: What are they? Why are they non-negotiable? 1 1 0 0 0 0 If we have unresolved differences in this area, can we live with that? 9 1 2 59 0 0 0 What are you afraid will happen if I make more money than you? What goes along with that for you? 1 2 179 0 0 0 What are your concerns about my career plans? x 1 2 59 0 0 0 If you make more money than me I am afraid that... because I feel... 1 2 179 0 0 0 I am concerned about your career plans because I feel... x 1 4 179 0 0 Are we both happy with each other's career plans? 9 x x 1 1 0 0 0 0 How do we each see a father's role in a family? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How do we each see a mother's role in a family? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Can a woman be a good mother and pursue a career? Why or why not? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Do our viewpoints differ on these subjects? If yes: How? Can we compromise on these issues? How? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How did our parents' attitudes influence us? 9 1 2 131 0 0 0 Which of our important decisions should not, in your opinion, be made jointly? Who should make them? Why? x 1 2 131 0 0 0 I feel that important decisions about... need not be made jointly because... Who should make them? Why? x 1 7 116 131 0 0 Why do we seem to have some disagreements about decision making roles? How did our parents handle decision making? 1 3 131 0 0 0 Which important decisions that affect us a couple should we make separately? Why? 4 1 0 0 0 0 Have we adequately discussed how we will make important decisions as a couple? What do we need to discuss? 5 1 0 0 0 0 Have we adequately discussed how to make important decisions as a couple? What do we need to discuss? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How can we make our decision making process more effective? Be specific. 9 1 2 1 138 0 0 Do you often feel neglected? When? Why do you think that is? How can you take charge of what you feel? What do you really want? 1 2 1 138 0 0 Complete this sentence: "Some ways in which I create feelings of neglect or anger are...." 1 2 1 138 0 0 Are you sometimes jealous or possessive? When? Be honest. 1 2 1 138 0 0 What are your fears about our relationship? 1 2 123 0 0 0 With which of my friends do you feel uncomfortable? 1 2 123 0 0 0 Why do you think that you feel uncomfortable with them? 1 2 123 0 0 0 Do you feel either inferior or superior to my friends in some ways? How? What are your real concerns? 1 2 137 212 0 0 How important is it to you to have the approval of your friends? 1 2 156 0 0 0 Why do you feel that I don't get along well with your friends? 1 2 156 0 0 0 How important is it to you that I get along with your friends? Suppose that I never get along with them: could you live with that? x 1 2 1 138 0 0 I (sometimes/rarely) feel neglected when... because I feel... What I really want is... 1 2 1 138 0 0 Some ways in which I create feelings of neglect or anger are.... 1 2 1 138 0 0 I am (sometimes/rarely) jealous or possessive when... (Be honest.) 1 2 123 0 0 0 I am sometimes uncomfortable with your friend(s)... because I feel... 1 2 123 0 0 0 I (sometimes/rarely) feel either inferior or superior to your friends because... 1 2 137 212 0 0 It is (very/somewhat) important to me to have the approval of my friends because... 1 2 156 0 0 0 I feel that you sometimes don't get along well with my friends because... This is (somewhat/very) disturbing to me because... x 1 2 137 212 0 0 Why are some of our friends unsupportive of our relationship? What do they say? Are any of their reasons valid or important? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Take turns naming at least 5 positive qualities of some of each other's friends. How do we each reflect some of the positive qualities of our friends? 9 1 2 42 0 0 0 Which of our families do you feel might try to interfere with our child raising decisions and how? 1 2 117 0 0 0 How do you feel that our families might come between us? x 1 2 42 0 0 0 I feel that (your/my) family may try to interfere with our child raising decisions by... 1 2 117 0 0 0 I feel that our families might come between us by... x 1 7 94 0 0 0 Under what circumstances might it be necessary to accept financial assistance from our families? 1 7 94 0 0 0 How might accepting such assistance create a problem? 1 7 94 42 117 0 Share any other concerns you might have about family related issues. 1 4 94 42 117 0 Share any concerns you might have about family related issues. 1 1 0 0 0 0 How can we communicate more effectively with our families? 9 1 2 195 0 0 0 Why do you feel that your family disapproves of me? How do you feel about that? 1 2 195 0 0 0 Is it necessary for you to obtain your family's approval of me? Can you accept and live with their disapproval? 1 2 195 0 0 0 How important to you are the reasons that your family disapproves of me? 1 2 36 0 0 0 What leads you to believe that I am uncomfortable around your family? What do you believe are the underlying issues? 1 2 36 0 0 0 Are you sure your perceptions about how I feel are accurate? 1 2 70 0 0 0 Why is that you feel uncomfortable around my family? 1 2 136 0 0 0 Why do you feel that my family disapproves of you? How do you feel about that? x 1 2 195 0 0 0 I feel that my family disapproves of you because... and I feel... The reasons that my family disapproves of you are (somewhat/very/not at all) important to me because... 1 2 36 0 0 0 I feel that you are uncomfortable around my family because... and I feel... 1 2 70 0 0 0 I am sometimes uncomfortable around your family because I feel... 1 2 136 0 0 0 I feel that your family may disapprove of me because... and I feel... x 1 1 0 0 0 0 What are some of the problem areas in our relationships with our families? Share your feelings about these areas. 1 1 0 0 0 0 How much time should we spend with each of our families? Be specific: Holidays? Sundays? 9 1 2 151 0 0 0 What are your specific concerns about our different backgrounds? x 1 2 151 0 0 0 I am concerned about our different backgrounds because... x 1 4 151 0 0 0 In what ways do our family backgrounds differ and how might these differences affect our relationship? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How can our different backgrounds enrich our relationship? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Name 5 positive qualities of each other's parents. 1 1 0 0 0 0 How are our parents' positive qualities reflected in us? 9 1 2 87 0 0 0 How do you feel that our children might suffer because of my commitments from a prior relationship? How can we deal with this? 1 2 4 67 91 146 Which of your attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors contribute to a lack of rapport with our children? 1 2 4 67 91 146 How could you deepen your rapport with our children? x 1 2 87 0 0 0 I feel that our children might suffer because of your commitments from a prior relationship because... 1 2 4 67 91 146 Some attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors which contribute to a lack of rapport with our children are... 1 2 4 67 91 146 I could improve my relationship with our children by... x 1 1 22 0 0 0 How do we feel about having children? What are our fears? What do we need discuss further? 1 4 22 0 0 0 How many children would we each like to have? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What are some of the positive aspects of having children? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What are the responsibilities that go along with children? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What does being a good parent mean? 9 1 2 12 0 0 0 In what specific ways do you perceive me spoiling our children? Have you clearly communicated your concerns to me in a constructive way? What is your role in these situations? x 1 2 12 0 0 0 I feel that you sometimes spoil our children when... because... I (usually/rarely) communicate my concerns to you in a constructive way. x 1 4 73 0 0 0 How and when should our children be disciplined? 1 7 73 0 0 0 What are our uncertainties or disagreements about discipline? 1 1 12 0 0 0 How could we more effectively communicate with each other and with our children regarding discipline? 1 1 12 0 0 0 How could we discipline our children in a more loving and effective way? 9 1 2 85 0 0 0 What leads you to believe that I don't spend enough time with our children? 1 2 85 0 0 0 How might you assist me in spending more time with our children? 1 2 140 0 0 0 Do you feel that I am neglecting you for the children? If yes: What are your fears? When do you feel that the children need less attention from me? 1 2 114 0 0 0 What exactly are the plans that you feel that having children has interfered with? 1 2 114 0 0 0 How could you achieve these goals or similar ones with children? What are some other alternative goals? Be creative. x 1 2 85 0 0 0 I feel that you don't spend enough time with our children because... and I feel... 1 2 85 0 0 0 I would be willing to assist you in spending more time with our children by... 1 2 140 0 0 0 I (often/sometimes/rarely) feel that you neglect me for the children when... I feel that the children need less attention from you because... 1 2 114 0 0 0 I sometimes feel that having children has interfered with my plans to... 1 2 114 0 0 0 Some other ways I could achieve these goals or similar ones are... (Be creative.) x 1 4 85 0 0 0 Ideally, how much time should we each spend with the children each day? Be specific. 9 1 2 122 79 84 0 How have you helped to create a situation where you perceive our children as a source of conflict between us? How could you improve this situation? x 1 2 122 79 84 0 I have helped to create a situation where I perceive our children as a source of conflict between us by... I could improve this situation by... x 1 1 0 0 0 0 How do our children affect our own relationship? 9 x x 1 1 40 0 0 0 What would each of our responsibilities be as parents? Be as specific as possible. What do we need to discuss further? 1 1 40 0 0 0 In what ways would we each be good parents? 1 1 158 0 0 0 How do we each see our responsibilities as parents? Be as specific as possible. What do we need to discuss further? 1 1 158 0 0 0 How are we each good parents and how could we each improve? 1 7 158 0 0 0 How could our children bring us closer together? 1 4 158 0 0 0 How have our children brought us closer together? 1 1 158 0 0 0 What are some of the positive qualities of our children? How are these qualities reflections of each of our own positive qualities? 9 1 2 11 0 0 0 In what specific ways do you feel that I neglect my appearance? 1 2 11 0 0 0 How much of this perception do you think is a reflection of your own values, beliefs, and expectations? 1 2 209 0 0 0 What leads you to believe that I am too interested in social status and material possessions? Can you accept me as I am or do you expect me to change? 1 2 153 0 0 0 When and why do you feel that I need to be in control? 1 2 153 0 0 0 Do you, at some level, have a need to be controlled or dominated? If yes: Why? 1 2 153 0 0 0 Have you experienced similar problems with control issues in past relationships? If yes: What is your pattern? How do you perpetuate this pattern? x 1 2 11 0 0 0 I feel that you sometimes neglect your appearance by... and I feel... My expectations, values, and beliefs about appearance are... 1 2 209 0 0 0 I sometimes feel that you are too interested in social status and material possessions because... I (do/do not) expect you to change and I feel... 1 2 153 0 0 0 I feel that you need to be in control when... because I feel... 1 2 153 0 0 0 The ways I cooperate with or encourage what I perceive as your controlling behaviors is... because I feel... 1 2 153 0 0 0 I have (usually/rarely) experienced similar problems with control issues in past relationships because... If there is a pattern: My pattern is... I perpetuate this pattern because... x 1 1 0 0 0 0 What are some of the differences in our personalities and backgrounds which affect the way we present ourselves? 1 1 0 0 0 0 In what ways did our parents' attitudes towards social status and material possessions affect us? Did we imitate them or rebel against them? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Are we allowing our reaction to our parents to influence us in a negative way? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How can our different perspectives enrich our relationship? 9 1 2 31 0 0 0 Do you tend to be disorganized? If yes: what can you learn from me? 1 2 51 0 0 0 In what ways do feel that I am prejudiced and why does that bother you? 1 2 56 0 0 0 What specific things that I do around other people bother you? Do you feel upset or hurt in these situations? 1 2 74 0 0 0 When do you feel put down by jokes that I tell? Be specific. 1 2 90 0 0 0 Which of my past relationships do you feel were unsuccessful and why? 1 2 15 0 0 0 What leads you to believe that it is difficult for me to let go of past relationships? 1 2 154 0 0 0 In what specific circumstances do you feel that I become too jealous? 1 2 38 0 0 0 In what ways is your outlook on life negative? How does this block you? 1 2 127 0 0 0 What leads you to believe that I am often depressed or unhappy? 1 2 127 0 0 0 Why do you feel that I am depressed or unhappy? x 1 2 31 0 0 0 I (sometimes/rarely) tend to be disorganized because... what I can learn from you is... 1 2 51 0 0 0 I feel that you are sometimes prejudiced because... this bothers me because... 1 2 56 0 0 0 I feel upset or hurt when we are with other people and you... 1 2 74 0 0 0 I sometimes feel put down by your jokes when... 1 2 90 0 0 0 I feel that your past relationship with... was unsuccessful because... 1 2 15 0 0 0 I feel that it is difficult for you to let go of past relationships because... 1 2 154 0 0 0 I feel that you become too jealous when... I could deal more effectively with these situations... 1 2 38 0 0 0 My outlook on life is sometimes negative because... I feel that you sometimes have a negative outlook because... 1 2 127 0 0 0 I feel that you are often depressed or unhappy because... x 1 7 32 0 0 0 In what ways are each of us sometimes stubborn or rigid? 1 1 0 0 0 0 In what ways have each of our past relationships been successful? Be specific. 1 1 0 0 0 0 Are we sometimes jealous of each other's past relationships? If yes: What are our fears? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Is jealousy a major problem in our relationship? If yes: Why? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Do either of us sometimes need to be "right"? Does one of us really win if the other loses? How does being "right" interfere with love and communication? 1 1 0 0 0 0 In what situations do we each lack self-confidence? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How could we improve our self-confidence? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Do we sometimes set inhuman standards of perfection for ourselves? Is it OK to be human? 1 1 0 0 0 0 When one of us is down or depressed how does the other react? How could we better assist each other? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How does the way we each deal with failure and disappointment reflect the way our parents handled them? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What are at least 5 of the positive qualities we most appreciate about each other? How do we see each other sometimes hiding those qualities? 9 1 2 178 0 0 0 What constitutes my problem with drinking or drugs in your view? Be specific. 1 2 178 0 0 0 Can you live with these drinking or drug problems indefinitely? Why or why not? Why do you feel that I have this problem? 1 2 178 0 0 0 How could you effectively assist me in dealing with this problem? 1 2 30 0 0 0 What are your worries about my mental or physical health? 1 2 30 0 0 0 Are these worries based on reality? How could you find out? 1 2 30 0 0 0 How can you assist me in dealing with these problems? 1 2 102 211 0 0 What are your specific fears with regard to my temper and/or physical violence? 1 2 102 211 0 0 Are these fears based on your past experience with me? 1 2 102 211 0 0 How could you respond more effectively when I become angry? x 1 2 178 0 0 0 I feel that you have a problem with drinking or drugs because... (Be specific.) 1 2 178 0 0 0 I (am/am not) willing to live with these problems indefinitely because... I feel that you have this problem because... 1 2 178 0 0 0 I could more effectively assist you in dealing with this problem by... 1 2 30 0 0 0 I am worried about your mental or physical health because... Are these worries based on reality? I could find out by... 1 2 30 0 0 0 I can better assist you in dealing with these problems by... 1 2 102 211 0 0 My specific fears with regard to your temper and/or physical violence are... 1 2 102 211 0 0 These fears (are/are not) based on my past actual experiences with you. 1 2 102 211 0 0 I could respond more effectively when you become angry by... x 1 1 0 0 0 0 What is good mental and physical health? How can we become healthier? 9 1 3 17 0 0 0 Do you feel that we have sex too often, not often enough, or exactly the right amount? If too often or not enough: How often would you like to have sex? 1 2 17 0 0 0 Do you feel that we have sex too often or not often enough? How often would you like to have sex? 1 2 53 124 0 0 What leads you to believe that I am not as interested in or do not enjoy sex as much as you do? 1 2 190 0 0 0 What leads you to believe that I am too interested in sex? 1 3 53 124 190 0 Do you feel that I am more or less interested in sex than you are? x 1 3 17 0 0 0 I feel that we have sex (too often/not often enough/exactly the right amount). If too often or not enough: I would like to like to have sex... (how often?) 1 2 17 0 0 0 I feel that we have sex (too often/not often enough). I would like to have sex... (how often?) 1 2 53 124 0 0 I feel that you are sometimes not as interested in or do not enjoy sex as much as I do because... 1 2 190 0 0 0 I sometimes feel that you are too interested in sex because... 1 3 53 124 190 0 I feel that you are (more/less/just as) interested in sex as I am because... x 1 1 0 0 0 0 Are we influenced by what others have told us should be the "normal" frequency of sexual intercourse? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Could it be OK if we had different levels of sexual drive? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How could we enjoyably assist each other in achieving a sexual climax even if one of us was not really in the mood for sex? Could that be enjoyable for both of us? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How could we more effectively communicate our sexual preferences and desires? 9 1 2 173 0 0 0 Why do you feel that I should initiate sex more often? x 1 2 173 0 0 0 I feel that you should initiate sex more often because... x 1 1 0 0 0 0 Who usually initiates sex? Would either of us like to initiate sex more or less often? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How could we better communicate our sexual needs and desires? 1 7 62 0 0 0 What do we disagree on as far as birth control and family planning? Why do you think that is? 1 4 62 0 0 0 Are we both completely comfortable with our present birth control arrangements? If not: Why not? 9 1 2 200 0 0 0 What leads you to believe that I express affection mainly in a sexual way? Do you know how I really feel? x 1 2 200 0 0 0 I sometimes feel that you express affection mainly in a sexual way because... I think that what you are feeling is... x 1 7 207 0 0 0 When and why do we feel uncomfortable talking about sex? 1 7 207 0 0 0 Which issues make us feel most uncomfortable? 1 4 207 0 0 0 Are there any sexual topics that either of us sometimes feel uncomfortable discussing? Which ones? 1 7 144 0 0 0 What are some of our fears about sharing sexual fantasies and desires? 1 1 0 0 0 0 If want to, take a few moments each to tell your partner about a sexual fantasy or desire that he/she is not aware of. 1 1 0 0 0 0 If we have shared some fantasies or desires: How does it feel having shared those? What have we learned about sharing and risking? 9 1 2 201 0 0 0 Which of our urges or desires do you worry about? Why? What are you afraid might happen? x 1 2 201 0 0 0 I sometimes worry about (your/my) urges or desires because... I am afraid that... x 1 7 76 0 0 0 What are some specific sexual activities that one of us might like to engage in but which the other would be unwilling to? What are the underlying concerns or beliefs? 1 7 76 0 0 0 Is either of us concerned that we might be pressured to engage in some sexual activities? If yes: Why do have this concern? Are there any assumptions or beliefs we need to check out? 1 2 76 0 0 0 Why would you be unwilling to engage in these activities? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What could we do to feel more comfortable in sexual situations? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How can we create a deeper level of sexual trust in our relationship? 9 1 2 14 0 0 0 Name at least 3 ways in which I am not the perfect partner for you. 1 2 28 0 0 0 Name at least one situation where I have been angry with you. 1 2 50 0 0 0 What is at least one way that I could make you angry? 1 2 159 0 0 0 What is at least one way that I could make you unhappy? 1 2 41 0 0 0 What is at least one area where we do not see eye to eye? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What are some of the little things about my personality which most bother you? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How are the things which bother you reflections of some of your own issues? x 1 2 14 0 0 0 3 ways in which you are not the perfect partner for me are... 1 2 28 0 0 0 A situation where you have been angry with me is... 1 2 50 0 0 0 One way you might make me angry is... 1 2 159 0 0 0 One way you might make me unhappy is... 1 2 41 0 0 0 One area where we do not see eye to eye is... 1 1 0 0 0 0 Some of the little things about your personality which most bother me? 1 1 0 0 0 0 The things which bother me are reflections of some of my own issues because... x 1 1 0 0 0 0 In what situations might we not be 100 percent honest with each other? Could that be OK? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How do we sometimes make it difficult to be 100 percent honest with each other? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Why do we sometimes allow each other's quirks to bother us? Is there any benefit to either of us? For example, does one of us get to feel justified or superior? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Have we discussed our minor irritations with each other in a loving and supportive way? Do we expect each other to change? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What if we never change? Can we accept and love each other as we are right now? Do we need to change before we can give or receive love? 9 1 2 16 43 0 0 Is it realistic to believe that we will always be the happiest couple on the block? What will happen if you become temporarily unhappy? x 1 2 16 43 0 0 It (is/is not) realistic to believe that we will always be the happiest couple around because... If we become temporarily unhappy then... x 1 4 33 37 0 0 What are some of the potential improvement areas in our relationship? 1 4 66 0 0 0 How could we use our "problems" as opportunities for working on our individual personal growth? How can surrender be a positive experience? 1 7 16 43 66 37 What are some real problems that we need to work on as a couple? 1 7 37 0 0 0 In what ways is our marriage not a complete and total success? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What is happiness? What is a happy relationship? 9 x x 1 7 25 0 0 0 Do people who love each other sometimes get angry with each other? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What are some of each other's behaviors that we would like to change? Be specific. 1 1 0 0 0 0 If we never change these behaviors, can we live with them? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Can we accept each other as we are right now with no changes? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What are some of the ways that our love might change in the future? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What makes a relationship a loving relationship? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What are some of things which might cause our relationship to end? What would happen if we ended our relationship? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How might our relationship improve? How do you expect our relationship to grow? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What can we do to promote healthy growth and change for us as individuals and as a couple? Be specific. 9 1 2 18 0 120 0 Can a marriage or a relationship really make you a whole, happy person? 1 2 18 0 120 0 Have you ever been happy outside the context of a relationship? 1 2 104 0 0 0 What will happen if marriage does not solve our relationship problems? 1 2 104 0 0 0 How would you feel about postponing our marriage until some of these problems are resolved? x 1 2 18 120 0 0 Can a marriage or a relationship really make me a whole, happy person? 1 2 18 120 0 0 Have I ever been happy outside the context of a relationship? 1 2 104 0 0 0 If marriage does not solve our relationship problems ... 1 2 104 0 0 0 I would feel ... about postponing our marriage until some of these problems are resolved. x 1 7 81 0 0 0 What problems will having children solve? Is that realistic? 1 7 104 0 0 0 What problems will getting married solve? 1 7 81 104 0 0 What would happen if these problems were not solved? 1 7 81 104 0 0 What are the underlying fears or insecurities? 1 7 81 104 0 0 How else could we solve these problems? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Do we sometimes make each other responsible for our happiness? If yes: why do we do that? 9 x x 1 1 0 0 0 0 What could lead either of us to be unfaithful? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What does fidelity mean to each of us? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What are some of our fears about fidelity? Do they interfere with our relationship? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How could we cope with our fears more effectively? 9 1 2 202 0 0 0 If you believe that no one besides me could ever love you: why is this? Low self-esteem? Do you love yourself? Why or why not? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Name at least one celebrity with whom you could have a successful relationship, if they were so inclined. x 1 2 202 0 0 0 I feel that I probably could not have a successful relationship with someone other than you because... I usually have (low/high) self-esteem because... I (usually/sometimes/rarely) love myself because... 1 1 0 0 0 0 One celebrity with whom I could have a successful relationship, if they were so inclined, is... x 9 x x 1 7 135 0 0 0 When we argue, who usually ends up with hurt feelings? 1 7 135 0 0 0 How could we deal with these situations more constructively? 1 7 109 0 0 0 Which problems do we sometimes try to resolve by having sex? 1 7 109 0 0 0 Is having sex really a solution to these problems? Why or why not? What are some other ways of dealing with these problems? 1 7 208 0 0 0 When do either of us employ the "silent treatment" solution to conflicts? Why? 1 7 208 0 0 0 How does the "silent treatment" feel to both of us? What are some other alternatives? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What important issues do we tend to sweep under the rug? 1 7 160 165 0 0 Is giving in or keeping quiet about something that bothers us a good way to deal with problems in our relationship? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How do we usually express anger? Give some examples. 1 1 0 0 0 0 How could we express and deal with anger in more constructive ways? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How can receiving negative feedback be a positive learning experience? What are some examples of situations where we have found negative feedback to be a valuable tool? Do we have each other's permission to give each other useful negative feedback? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How can we give each other negative feedback in a positive way? 9 1 2 89 0 0 0 What specific issues do you feel that I am unwilling to discuss? 1 2 89 0 0 0 Why do you think that I might be unwilling to discuss these issues? 1 2 65 0 0 0 In what areas do you feel that I don't understand or respect your point of view? Is there anything about the way you communicate that might make it difficult for me to understand or respect your point of view? x 1 2 89 0 0 0 I feel that you are unwilling to discuss... because... 1 2 65 0 0 0 I sometimes feel that you don't understand or respect your point of view when... Sometimes I make it difficult for you to understand and respect my point of view because I... x 1 7 82 0 0 0 How could we spend less time on unimportant issues? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How could we communicate more effectively when we have a disagreement? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What risks might this involve for us? What is our ideal picture of the way we might communicate? Are the risks worth it? 9 x x 1 1 0 0 0 0 What do are the major issues and problem areas in our relationship? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Some of the ways in which we block resolution of these problems are... 1 1 0 0 0 0 Why do we think that we each contribute to the non-resolution of these problems? What is the pay off for each of us? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Do we need to be "right" even if this makes us unhappy? Do we sometimes make being "right" more important than our relationship? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How could we go about creating a win/win outcome in some of the areas where we usually play a win/lose game? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Are there some problem areas in which we are convinced that there is absolutely no resolution possible? If yes: Which ones? Can we live with no resolution in these areas? Are there any other options? Be creative! 1 1 0 0 0 0 Would we be open to accepting new solutions in these areas, even if that meant that we were "wrong" about there being no solution? 9 1 1 0 0 0 0 Which of our problems as a couple do you tend to blame me for? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Complete this sentence "The ways I am responsible for these problems are..." 1 1 0 0 0 0 Which of our problems do you tend to blame yourself for? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Complete this sentence "The ways you are responsible for these problems are..." 1 1 0 0 0 0 What did you learn from completing those two sentences? x 1 1 0 0 0 0 In our relationship, I tend to blame you for... 1 1 0 0 0 0 The ways I am responsible for these problems are... 1 1 0 0 0 0 In our relationship, I tend to blame myself for... 1 1 0 0 0 0 The ways in which you are responsible for these problems are... 1 1 0 0 0 0 By completing these two sentences I learned... x 9 x x 1 7 77 0 0 0 Why do we sometimes have difficulties apologizing? 1 7 77 0 0 0 How does this interfere with smooth communication between us? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How could we create a relationship in which it would be easier for each of us to admit our mistakes and learn from them? 9 1 2 97 0 0 0 In what ways do you feel that I am too frank with you? Be specific. 1 2 97 0 0 0 Would you really prefer that I remain silent, even if something is bothering me? 1 2 97 0 0 0 Would silence resolve or heal the underlying issues here? 1 2 105 0 0 0 What are you afraid might happen if you ever told me that you had been unfaithful to me? x 1 2 97 0 0 0 I sometimes feel that you are too frank with me when... 1 2 97 0 0 0 I (would/would not) really prefer that you remain silent, even if something is bothering you because I feel... 1 2 105 0 0 0 If I ever told you that I had been unfaithful to you, I am afraid that... x 1 7 181 0 0 0 What negative feelings do we keep to ourselves? Does keeping these feelings to ourselves really benefit our relationship? 1 7 181 0 0 0 How does keeping our feelings to ourselves undermine trust and communication between us? 1 7 181 0 0 0 What are we afraid might happen if we revealed our true feelings? 1 1 0 0 0 0 We communicate most effectively when we... 1 1 0 0 0 0 Tell each other some of the things you each admire about the way the other communicates. 9 1 2 197 0 0 0 What, specifically, are you dissatisfied about in relation to the ways in which we communicate? What might you do to improve these situations? x 1 2 197 0 0 0 I am dissatisfied with some of the ways we communicate because I feel... To improve this situation I could... x 1 7 54 166 0 0 When does either of us feel misunderstood? How could we reduce misunderstandings between us? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What are some of the things that we are afraid to ask each other for? Why is that? 1 7 129 0 0 0 How could we both become better listeners? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What are some of the things which keep us from being more open? What are the fears? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How could we create a relationship where we could be more open with each other? 9 1 2 83 0 0 0 What leads you to believe that I have told other people things that were strictly "between us"? What are your unwritten rules and assumptions here? Are you sure that I am aware of them? x 1 2 83 0 0 0 I feel that you have told other people things that were strictly "between us" because... Some of my unwritten rules and assumptions are... x 1 1 0 0 0 0 If you are both willing: share some secrets that you have never told your partner. Share as much as you each care to. This can be an extremely beneficial exercise and can include items from the past. 1 1 0 0 0 0 If we are not willing to share some of our secrets: why is that? 1 1 0 0 0 0 How does sharing our secrets feel? Do we feel closer? Lighter? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What have we learned from sharing these secrets? 9 1 2 149 0 0 0 Why do you feel that our decision to marry may not have been the right one? 1 2 149 0 0 0 What could you do about this state of affairs? Be specific. 1 2 203 0 0 0 Why do we disagree about when to marry? 1 2 185 0 0 0 Why might you consider ending our relationship if I could not have children? What are your fears? 1 2 185 0 0 0 Do you need any further information on this subject? How could you get it? 1 2 205 0 0 0 What leads you to feel that I may have made the wrong choice when I picked you? What are your fears? x 1 2 149 0 0 0 I feel that our decision to marry may not have been the right one because... I can do the following about it... 1 2 203 0 0 0 We disagree about when to marry because... 1 2 185 0 0 0 I might consider ending our relationship if you could not have children because... I am afraid that... 1 2 205 0 0 0 I feel that you may have made the wrong choice when you picked me because... I am afraid that... x 1 4 7 149 203 0 What are some of our concerns about marriage? 1 7 7 149 203 0 Would we consider postponing our marriage to deal with some of our concerns? Why or why not? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What does "commitment" mean to each of us? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What are some of our fears about commitment? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Can we share our fears and doubts in a positive productive way? How? 1 1 0 0 0 0 Some of the ways in which we create doubts about our relationship are... 1 1 0 0 0 0 How can we create more trust in our relationship? 9 x x 1 7 93 0 0 0 How do we differ about what to teach our children? What do we need to discuss? Could it be OK if we do not always agree in this area? How can we compromise? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What have our philosophical, religious, and/or spiritual beliefs and experiences been? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What religious or spiritual practices, if any, will we engage in with our children or as a couple? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What makes life worth living? 1 1 0 0 0 0 What is the meaning of life? 9